misery loves company

when things don't go right for me, i find it hard to be happy for anyone else. if i could drag everyone else down with me in my own private hell, i would. misery loves company they say... how true.. i don't really want the company of another miserable person, i just want you to be miserable too. why should you be blessed, and not me? what is it that makes YOU more worthy than i ?

my other half seems to forget that some things are best left unsaid. so and so is pregnant, so and so looked so big. i cannot be happy for these people. not too long ago, it didn't even bother me. now, it hurts. it hurts to think YOU are the chosen ones. not i. i'm the minority now. the selected few ? or should i say the NOT select few. yes, that may be more appropriate.

pop pop pop.. popping them out like rabbits. why you? why not me? it is so unfair

Not meant to be

i cannot get pregnant. i just cannot. short of trying IVF, we have done everything else. am i not trying hard enough?

sometimes when i think about IVF i don't even want to consider it. do i really want to play god?

more and more, recently especially, i have told myself that there is a reason for everything. it sure seems so. it is so funny how things work in mysterious ways. maybe there is a very good reason i am not getting pregnant. maybe something is going to happen and god doesn't want me to be stuck with a child? who knows..

all i know at present is that it is getting more depressing by the day not being able to get pregnant, that sometimes i get so depressed about it, i don't want to get pregnant! can you understand that? sounds weird doesn't it..

some days i so so want a child, other days.. i'm thanking my lucky stars for my freedom..

i still can't help but think this may be karma. BAD karma.

Forgotten? Out of Sight out of Mind?

does one really forget? meaningful words from friends, relatives.. " don't worry, in time, you'll forget.., it'll all be over soon.. you'll get over it.."

does one really WANT to forget? what if i don't want to? am i odd? am i strange? am i any different from you?

i don't think i want to forget. i don't think she'd want me to forget.

she paid the ultimate price, her life, and all we do is forget?

there are lessons to be learnt from all of it.. forgetting means it was all in vain.

Death

do you believe that when people die they go to heaven? i think i kind of used to.. until it happened to me. not death that is.. obviously i'm pretty much alive and kicking here.. but when my mum died. or should i say took her own life.

that's very much the way to put it isn't it? taking your own life and doing with it as you please. not that i think for a minute it pleased her..

1987. it's a long way off . i can't believe it's going to be 20years soon.