Not meant to be

i cannot get pregnant. i just cannot. short of trying IVF, we have done everything else. am i not trying hard enough?

sometimes when i think about IVF i don't even want to consider it. do i really want to play god?

more and more, recently especially, i have told myself that there is a reason for everything. it sure seems so. it is so funny how things work in mysterious ways. maybe there is a very good reason i am not getting pregnant. maybe something is going to happen and god doesn't want me to be stuck with a child? who knows..

all i know at present is that it is getting more depressing by the day not being able to get pregnant, that sometimes i get so depressed about it, i don't want to get pregnant! can you understand that? sounds weird doesn't it..

some days i so so want a child, other days.. i'm thanking my lucky stars for my freedom..

i still can't help but think this may be karma. BAD karma.